The addiction to women, sex, affections and why I did it.

Friday, January 2, 2009


What is consistency? Why do people put so much emphasis on that one word? Is it really that great to be so predictable and boring? I mean I know it’s great that people can count on you to do things but life would be so much more fun without all the consistency and formalities. This morning my father told me that my moods are like the weather; you never know what its going to be, and I don’t disagree with him because I know it’s true. I actually enjoy being so random it makes the days go by with a little more excitement. I never have a dull moment because I can find endless things to amuse myself with. But on the down side I can seem like a weirdo to people who don’t know me well enough to just ignore half the things that come out of my mouth. Good the thing my family has that down pact even though when I actually have something important to say I often feel as if no one is listening but that could be those stupid hormones again. Got to love being a teenager with all that self doubt, self degradation, newly found sexual interest, and of course those oh so loving caring and supportive classmates who want nothing but the best for you. (Major sarcasm) But I really can’t complain I guess because I at least have time to get this right and figure out how to deal with all of these things. If only this spirit of optimism could be applied to everyday problems I wouldn’t think my world has ended because I didn’t

Saturday, December 27, 2008

i've decided i'm insane. Atleast by websters definition i am. Insanity-repeating an action with the same sequence of events and hoping for a different outcome. Recently my father remarried and i couldn't be more happy for the the both of them. She is the ying to my fathers yang,but i am havig a bit of a hard time accepting a new strong female into my life at this moment. My step mother and i have been butting heads more recently than usual and though i could very easily blame it on the fact that i am a teenager and this a stage of rebellion and blah blah blah. I could never let myself fall into that terribly stupid cliche' and also i am a serious believer in age is just a number. So why am i insane well everytime i am hurt by some one i love, and i really do love my step mum, i emotionally break down. It hurts so much, during those moments i truly contemplate suicied. Sounds pleasent doesn't it? The question i am posing to myself is why do i keep letting people in if i know this will happen. If i am so emotionally unstable and have such a destructive nature towards myself why on earth do i put myself in the position to get hurt any more. Perhaps its because in the end i'm just too damn stubborn to let any body who has made it this far in my life go. Perhaps i need to feel as if some one out there loves me. Or maybe there is this instincual pull to be in a group. What ever the hell it is, it hurts like hell when it snaps back at you. But i guess i can handle it because even though i get pissed at the these people alot i can always count on them to be there for me when i truly need them. Wow that sounds cheesy but its true.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

why I did it.

I think it started in elementrary school, I mean I always felt like a loner. That part might be on my dad though because of his stand-offish nature toward my twin sister and myself. Everybody always said I was the favorite because I looked and acted so much like my dad. But i always felt like i was never good enough. I mean my sister has the ambition and she has known what she what she has wanted to be since we were four and my brother the prophetic son he had the grades and the love and devotion of my father. My brother is my fathers only son so i can see why he favored him so added on with the fact that my brother was only allowed to see us every other weekend that might make my father care for him more. I always feel alone never reaally apart of any group. At school I talked to a couple of people but they didn't mean anything. There wasn't any real connection.Most likely because I didn't trust them. I couldn't trust anyone after my mother dissapeared and re-appeard in my life speratically.